The Sperm Depositorium

TBT – The Semen Analysis

We were asked to do a sperm analysis when we signed with the surrogacy agency back in April. Lucky for me Kaiser Permanente has a lab for that. I wasn’t sure what to expect from my local Kaiser hospital as far as “accommodations” were concerned. I mean I’ve had to ejaculate in public before (don’t judge) but this felt quite different. I noticed right away when I walked in that this wasn’t a special lab for men with baby dreams. I was in line with patients who were there to give blood, urine, or poop. No matter. I felt special. I was there to start my journey to Fatherhood people! Out of my way!

“Good morning. I’m here for my semen analysis.”

“Good morning. Have you masterbated in the last 3 to 5 days?”


“Good. You followed instructions. We like that. Take this cup. Fill it with your sample and bring it right back to me.”

“Excuse me. Where is my room?”

“The restrooms are over there.”

“Thank you.”

“Take your time.”

It was a small bathroom with a toilet, a sink, antibacterial foam, paper towels, and a way too tiny vanity mirror if you ask me. And now I’m supposed to summon my best swimmers to gush forward into a plastic cup. Yes, bring a vivid stimulant either on your phone or in your head. You’ll need it.

My final sperm count: Over 200 million. Yeah baby!

TIPS: Stay away from tighty whities, vodka tonics, tobacco, hot-tubs, and politics. Do pineapple and pomegranate juice, exercise, going commando, exercise while going commando, and some dark chocolate every now and then. You’ll be set.

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